Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed.

So after thinking alot and talking to people closest to me, i came to a conclution. Not one i'm willing to share on here, but one i'm willing to add into my story. You know the one, the one i'm working on. My memoir, the one everyone forgets about, because along with me they've already lived it. So this guy that i met is a virgin, as was i. We were the same in many ways, it was thrilling. The only delima we had together, was the distance between us. i remember the last time i saw him, in the throws of passion, by then neither of us were virgins. What we could have lost together, and didnt. The choices made, the fear being made. Everything i'd ever wanted was right there in front of me, and still i wanted more. Like a hungry animal i couldn't handle just having a little of him, i wanted it all. But like all good things, its gone before you realize. Realize you'd taken what you had for granted, Realize that done right that could have done it for you. Who knows, if i had only been in the state of mind then, that i am now. Things may not have turned out the same way as they did. but they did, and so goes the sands of times.


So there is a preview of thoughts currently on my mind set. I was thinking about my pain med's, and Susanna kaysen. She said she took her asprin one by one, swallowing. Until she got to 50. Then after waiting she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to die. and she went for the milk her mother had asked her to get previously. She passed out on the meat counter at the grocery. I wonder if i did that, would i regret taking the asprin? or be relieved I'd had the guts to actually do it? Susan says that she wondered about poly, how she had, had the mind set and guts to light the match, burning her for life? and if she had achieved every suicidal's dream of killing the part of you that wants to die, leaving only you, and your thoughts. Is that at all possible? by the way this is going to be a really long post, so if you don't give a shit about me, leave now. Dieing scares me in some ways, and in other ways i wish it would just happen. Because sometimes believe it or not, my life is just so miserable that i wish and wait for it. I've thought hardily about a mental hospital. But i want to be able to smoke, and take my pain med's. That's my only request. I've realized i was meant to be born in the early 50's. I just for the life of me cant understand why I'm born now, why am i here? i cant stand where the world has gone, i wish i was back in the 60's livin it up. Oh by the way, i know I'm not a danger to society, or usually to myself. That's not why i want to check myself into a mental hospital. Its because of the way i see things, the way i think. I don't believe myself to be sane anymore. I think everyone has just pushed so hard, one day i snapped. And ask any crazy they never realized when it happened. They realize later, and they can all tell you the exact moment they realized too. I can tell you mine. One day i was sitting outside smoking a cigarette, i looked up, and realized the world doesn't look the same to me. What i see is in black and white (no im not color blind, dumb ass!) and its faded like, with people but to me their all monsters i have to watch carefully, in case they try to mess with me. when i look at myself i see all the things i didn't do, i see all the things i don't have. My longing has over come my having lately. The one thing i thought to turn me back around, has disappeared, and now I'm stuck in this world. i don't know, and i cant find the way out. its not like Alice i didn't fall down a shaft and chase the white rabbit (referring to drugs). i just snapped my fingers one day and the sound came out different. Get it?? here check theses songs, that's it for today! ~Jess~



"Go away from my window, leave at your own chosen speed! I'm not the one you want babe, i'm not the one you need. You say your looking for someone, who's never weak but always strong, to protect you and defend you. Whether you are right, or wrong. Someone to open each and every door, But it aint me babe! NO NO NO! It aint me babe, it aint me your looking for... Babe!" -Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash "It aint me babe"

"And thats what you get for falling again, you can never get em outta yer head! X2 - Its the way, that he makes you feel, its the way, that he kisses you, its the way, that he makes you fall in love.. shes beautiful as usual, with bruises on her ego and, and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men." -Sugar cult "Pretty girl (Its the way)"

"The suckers loose them selfs in the games they like to play. the children love to sing, but then their voices slowly fade away. people always take a step away from what people say is true, thats why i like you around. i want you! oh.. do you do you do you do you do? your making me want you!" - Third eye blind - 'i want you"

"I know who i want to take me home, i know who i want to take me home. i know who i want to take me home, take me home. closing time, every new beginning comes from other beginnings end!" - (Dont remember by whom) - "Closing time"